First Flight... My Heart Still Soars!

I thought I had no reason for time to stand still until one day...

October 23, 2007Within a tear I see a memory of flying. My heart yearns to recapture the moment I was free falling so much it aches. I keep reliving that moment of courage, and more tears fall. Frightened for a moment, naturally high for days. Sometimes the benefits wait to come. Sometimes the ecstasy holds back, then overpowers, and I'm back in the clouds with the wind carrying me and the Lord's wings guiding me. An angel guards me, keeping a constant watchful eye to assure that I'm alright. He's flown a thousand times, and is now appointed to oversee my first flight. He knows how fragile I am, and attentively protects me. While still thousands of feet in the sky, I try to remind myself I am safe. As we start to float down, my guardian angel consoles me and points to my home from still afar. My heart then pounding, my memory now intoxicating. My tears now reminding me how quickly time itself flies and that I must take life one day, one step, even one moment at a time. I have foolishly rushed time for too long, letting life pass me by. I need to savor each blessing, each sunset, each rose, each breath, or I'll be left with only a sense of longing. Some people thought I was crazy, and for a moment, so did I. But for the sake of a little dreaming child, I closed my eyes and held my breath. In one moment, 13,000 feet high, I took a leap of faith, and still my heart takes flight.

I wrote this in a moment of sadness that my flight had come and gone so quickly. I wasn't even trying to wrote a monologue. I was only pouring my burning heart (and some tears) onto some paper because I had a wash of emotion I didn't know what else to do with. After writing this, I wondered if others would be blessed with it so I emailed it to my instructor asking for permission to change my autodrama monologue. I am still awaiting his answer, but I'll find out today.

October 30

October 24, 2007

Why did I do it? I had been very fascinated with the idea of parachuting when I was a child. I had even dreamed one night back then of jumping off the top of my grandparents' stairs with an umbrella in my hand and floating down like Mary Poppins. I didn't do this for the 34 year-old in me; she could have cared less. I did it for the 9 year-old who, I guess, still wanted to do it. I didn't just wake up one morning and say, "Hey, I think I'll go looking for a skydiving opportunity around here." I saw a flier on campus about an upcoming trip through Peak Adventures to the Parachute Center in Lodi, California. I felt God was giving me a chance to fulfill a childhood dream. I just felt compelled to do this. I was more afraid of not taking an opportunity of a lifetime and regretting it for the rest of my life than I was of taking that jump. Was I scared? You bet! But I knew there was something in it for me if I took that jump in spite of my fear of heights. I've learned over the years I can do more than I think I can do, and that doesn't have to mean running long distance. When I was younger, I was never going to join the military. I was never going to go to college, and I certainly wasn't going to make it to Star Wars, Celebration III back in 2005. I figured, why not throw skydiving in there too?

Did I go unprepared? I don't think so. I scrounged around for my blank gel capsules I hadn't seen since before I moved, which happened to be in one of those bins under my bed, and put 7 drops each of Lavender and Chamomile to keep my anxiety at bay, plus 3 drops of peppermint in each of 12 capsules and took them regularly until it was time to jump, even up to only minutes before it was time to go into the ready room to get strapped up. Because--and only because-- the man on the video said to bring any medical conditions to the attention of my instructor so he or she could take the necessary precautions, I reluctantly told him of my situation, and he notified a lady from the front counter. They were both very concerned about me; I thought they weren't going to let me jump. Basically, I was adamant enough about wanting to, that Joe decided we'd be the last ones to jump, and there would be no pressure if I changed my mind. On the plane, I just kept reminding myself to relax, jump now, and think later. When the plane reached altitude, it felt like the plane was coming to a screeching halt, and since most of us were first time jumpers, I could hear a lot of "Aaahh!!"s. Then I saw someone open the door. During the whole flight, what seemed like every 60 seconds, Joe kept saying, "Are you all right?" "Yes!" as I was wishing the plane would get up there already. I kept my fussing about my jitters to a minimum, admitting to them only once, since Joe was so worried about me as it was. But when I saw people start to jump, I thought as I was still making great effort to stay relaxed, "Ok, I can understand how this would look insane to some people." Joe says, "You all right?" "Yeah." I'm fighting panic even more now. I decide I'd better just keep my eyes closed, or I'd start thinkin'. I didn't have to see where I was going. Joe had harnessed me to him while we were ascending. I just had to follow his lead. So blindly, I scooted up as told, approached the open door, eyes still tight shut. Joe says, "Are you alright?" "Yeah." "You still want to do this?" "Uh-huh." Heck, I didn't know any better. I couldn't see what was in front of me. Joe says, "Ready... Jump." I jumped like it was nothing. Once we evened out in our 1 minute free fall to belly down, then I opened my eyes. Then I saw the ground below me; even Sacramento, which was 45 minutes from Lodi, was within sight. Only then did I think something along the line of, "I just did what?!" Talk about a rush! It was certainly a leap of faith indeed. I kept reminding myself there was plenty of space between the ground and us, and that there was a parachute that would break our fall. Although I was fighting panic (the essential oils and relaxation probably made it possible to jump at all), it was still so fascinating, and I was amazed that I'd had the courage to make that jump. During the free fall, I heard only the wind and didn't even bother trying to speak. Once Joe (finally!) pulled the chord and let up the parachute, true to form: "Are you alright?" "Yeah." Meaning, "I'm still breathing, and my pulse is still at a safe rate at the moment." Talking about other things while we were floating down helped me keep my focus off my fears. Joe was wonderfully skilled with the free fall, the gliding down, and even the landing. It didn't even hurt to land as I'd been told it would. We just had to lift our legs up and we landed sitting, or rather sliding, on the grass.

Well, as scary as it was, I had a little girl to think about. I had to do this for her sake, and I'm so very glad I did. Once I was back on the ground, my jitters just vanished. I wasn't all, "Yeah, that was cool!" but I was very grateful I'd been able to do this. I had been able to defy my fears and jump in spite of them, at least this time.

Hours later, I had finally polished my reports and midterm paper and turned them in online when I was just piddling with my pictures and reminiscing over my latest significant accomplishment. Meanwhile, the essential oils were wearing off. I hadn't taken any since just before I went up because I figured they weren't necessary anymore and I'd just take them the next time I had to take a test or audition for a play. Oh my goodness! The more that Lavender and Chamomile wore off, the more it looked like a miracle that I'd been able to jump at all, as I was looking back at my pictures and watching my DVD. I don't know, maybe it was just the stuff wearing off, maybe it was the aftershock, maybe it was both, since I was now more able to feel it. I guess that was all part of taking a flying leap.

I thought once I'd landed safely on the ground and returned home unharmed, there was nothing more to it than just the memory. Boy, was I wrong! The rush lasted over 24 hours, and I had school the next day. I had the sun-of-a-gunnest time getting to sleep, and not necessarily in a bad way. It was like Christmas night after I'd opened all my presents and gotten everything I wanted, only on a higher scale. I got 4 hours of sleep, having had one extra glass of wine just to get my heart rate down, and I woke up more ready to hop out of bed than I usually am after a full 8. It was very interesting taking note of the different phases I was going through after my high adventure. Sunday, I landed with Joe at about 2:00pm, and Monday, right around 4:40pm, I started to notice this immense calm, like the calm after a storm. I thought when the rush went, so would my energy but that wasn't so. I walked to Lassen Hall, and then to the bus stop with unbelievable ease. The rush was over (or was it?), but the natural high kept going. Over the next day, I bounced between calm and rush, and these 3 days have been very emotional for me, but not as if I was recalling a nightmare, not even close! This wasn't terror, this was overwhelming awe that I had taken such a big step. Last night, I don't even know what time I finally drifted off – in tears – after pouring my heart out on paper and writing a personal monologue I hope to use in the near future.

This morning, I woke up feeling very out of sorts. I don't know if I wasn't feeling well, or if I was just feeling very drained. The gentleman who served my coffee on campus this morning said I had probably been over-adrenalized. I agree. That jump took a lot out of me, but nothing that can't be replaced: my focus, my energy, my train of thought. I'm not surprised after all I've been through recently. Nothing bad, though. Even good things can be overwhelming. However, I honestly believe this jump has given me more than it could ever take. My leap of faith took only what I could get back and gave me what no one can take away.

Maybe the jump alone would have brought on this wash of emotions; maybe it was also the fact that I'd shared a milestone of Joe's as well: his 1,000^th skydive jump (how many people have a first jump like that?), and maybe a seminar I attended, introducing a semester-long college program at Disneyland or Walt Disneyworld the day after I'd soared on top of the world had also played a part in this intensive week. Maybe it was such awe over how much God has blessed me in such a short time. I'd just taken midterms (and still have one left in Acting Study 1 – no studying necessary ;) ), went to a Renaissance fair last Saturday dressed up as Elizabeth Swann, and then Sunday I had my skydiving. The day after that was the introduction to the Disney's College Program. Honestly, I feel like I'm living a dream, where I just have to voice a wish and I'll get it. I still have yet to apply for the Disney College program, but it is certainly on my list of things to do. May I glorify God, and may He bless many through me.

Ammended October 28, 2007

Good heavens, I feel like with that leap I took a week ago, I got a time-released dose of adrenaline. Every time I look at my pictures or watch my video, every time I tell someone about my experience...