Third Flight... Again for the First Time!

April 25, 2008
It had been raining for the past six months… or at least that's how my heart felt, until he returned from Australia to finally lay to rest the uncertainty which had relentlessly and tearfully tormented me after a painfully awkward "defense case" in the ready room of the Parachute Center. Only about a week ago, the sun finally came out as I approached Joe as my skydiving instructor once again. Last October, as I confided one personal weakness, I was discovering another! Little did I know at that time I would lose my heart to Australia, and that the very mention of that wonderland Down Under would quicken my pulse nearly every time. But that's just what happened one autumn day as I walked away from the charming Australian gentleman I had literally trusted with my life.

Last Sunday, I once again took a literal "leap of faith" in Lodi, California. I had grown increasingly impatient for Sunday to come since I turned a paper into one of my classes and felt the stress of school melt away almost completely, leaving me to fend off the captivating anticipation of another sky high adventure. As much as I would have liked some footage, I had to watch my money this month. I would have to simply cherish the memory of my Third Flight. But then, isn't collecting memories what I do best?

My alibi is that if I can find the courage to jump out of a plane and trust God to preserve my life with a parachute, I can trust Him to carry me through an interview, an audition, or even the penetrating gaze of a classmate as I'm telling him my heart has gone out to him. Well, at the very least I'm not lying, as Rob had told me "You can handle the stage because you overcame a greater fear…" If I need an excuse for following my heart back to Lodi, I don't have to look much further than the stage at Shasta Hall. Who knows what really compels me to return to Lodi? I guess my heart yearns to relive the first day I found such a tremendous amount of courage. And like they say, third time's a charm!

I woke up Sunday morning, April 20^th, and my heart rate skyrocketed before I even opened my eyes. I was to take my Third Flight! I couldn't help wondering how much more my heart will be pounding the morning I wake up to fly to Australia if I'm accepted to study abroad. I started off the day with a refreshing shower, and then I figured I would have a lot to walk off later that day, so I decided to get a head start as I made my way toward campus on the bike trail, Skydive Memoir cup in hand. My heart had been in suspense over some pressing matters, and this day the unsettling questions I would only allow time itself to answer me would finally be answered. I arrived at the Peak Adventures building right at 10 am, give or take a few minutes, but the others were just then arriving, including the staff in charge of the trip to Lodi. We played this name tag before making our way, which was interesting, since many of them were international students with names I sure can't recall now.

My Starbucks custom cup with my skydive pictures was a nice conversation starter, especially since I already had two previous jumps and could fill the first time jumpers in on what to expect. I made my own personal hopes for the day known to my fellow Sac State students, but hey, there's got to be one in every bunch right? If wearing my heart on my sleeve does anything for me, it takes away from my focus on my returning skydiving apprehension.

I once again had that subtle question in the back of my mind, "Dear God, am I asking for it by making another skydive jump?" I'd like to believe God supports my efforts to conquer my fears from 13,000 feet high, as one Sunday when that question was weighing on me, I saw a beautiful picture of someone gliding under a big white canopy by a snowy mountain. Some days later, that question was causing some unrest once again, when I came across a certain comforting scripture: " 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' " (Jeremiah 29:11) That helped me quite a bit, boosting my courage to press on with my sky high endeavor.

Meanwhile, back to the present, I'd been told it would be about a couple hours once I turned in my release form. As I told the lady who collected the form, I had all the patience in the world! At least this time I had some soothing music to help somewhat keep the (week long) anticipation at bay. I bounced between reading my novel Shadow Bride and watching for the "flying confetti," as I like to call the groups of skydivers approaching land. At one point, I was reading my book (or at least trying to) when I suddenly realized Joe was very close to landing with his previous customer before he would take me next. I rushed outside, only to find I'd missed his landing. I saw those familiar red pants with the white stripes when I first arrived and wondered if it was him, and now there he was off in the distance gathering his parachute and heading toward the ready room. He stopped and looked right at me. Not knowing what else to do, but very aware of how happy I was that he had come back from Australia, I just smiled at him as if to say, "Welcome back, Joe." After all, my heart reflected just that.

For having the previous four days seem to take forever, that was a very short two-hour wait for me, and before I knew it, Kathy was calling 's 34-38 to go to the ready room. Oh goodness, the moment of truth! Where did I stand with Joe? He seemed unsettled about taking me the first time, after the red flag I'd waved concerning my paranoid schizophrenia and anxiety. I was grateful he'd agreed to take me up, and moreover, that I'd found the courage to live out a childhood dream. Who cares that I'd closed my eyes as I approached the plane exit for the first time? The most important thing was that I'd been able to jump. I don't even think I was aware of my pounding heart as Joe said with a sweet smile, "Hi! How are you?" I think I was in a daze as I said, "Joe?... Welcome back." "How is school?" "I'm kinda ready for it to be over…" and on I went, telling Joe about my eventful past several months, including a New Years resolution to try and study abroad in Australia. How was I to tell him that in the past six months I'd warmed up to Australia considerably? Well, I was pleased to hear he welcomed the idea. Naturally, I was still talking about it when we headed toward the plane. Joe was his normal, attentive self as we rode over to where our plane would take off.

I think there were only two people from my group: Dan and his son, Mondo. Although I didn't have a camera man this time, I was invited by Dan and Mondo to stand in their picture. Oh, I was flattered! Nice to be seen as a friend by a couple of guys I may or may not see again. That's what camaraderie is about: being friends in the midst of a difficult moment whether we know each other or not. The fellowship is what I thrive on! I'd told Mondo while we were waiting, "When we get on that plane, you're going to be my moral support!" He'd replied, "I think you'll be that for me…" That's what I'm talking about! Finally the plane arrived for boarding, and I asked Joe for his hand as we approached the steps. Joe, having already once again melted away my defenses with his kindness and attentiveness, took mine and we made our way to our seats.

I've loved flying for years, especially the feeling of taking off. I loved connecting flights whenever I traveled because I'd have that rush of ascending. But even with two jumps behind me, I still had a lot of apprehension to work out. I asked Joe if he was nervous the first time he jumped. He said, "Oh yes… after awhile, it's not so bad." I made what small talk I could to help take the edge off, such as my flight back to Little Rock in December to attend my graduation commencement. I was honest about my feelings at the moment, though. I had told Joe at one point, when he asked if I was alright, that the movement of the plane made me feel jittery. It helped not to feel (or look) like I was hiding something. Telling him I was fine when I was, in fact, feeling scared just seemed pointless. But I had also told him, "If anything, this will be over too quickly." I knew that from experience as well. Here I was about to jump for the third time, and yet it felt like my first. Two previous jumps hadn't necessarily made this one easy. Once again, Joe was not about to put the pressure on to jump, so it was entirely up to me. Without the camera man, it was a bit more difficult to dismiss my rising apprehension, and I was once again telling myself, "Barbara, you've got to jump." My aunt had told me I put very high demands on myself. I don't know, maybe it's true. Maybe it comes with an early childhood of taking part of other activities whether I was scared or not. Maybe it was also joining the Service and taking on adventures which left me feeling scared but nevertheless demanded that I press on. I guess putting my fears on the back burner to some extent had been ingrained in me. Even the memory of being newly assigned to work at the Fitness Center at Beale Air Force Base and wondering if I'd measure up to the tasks resurfaces as I reminisce my latest flight.

Talk about taking one day at a time, in Lodi I have to take it one moment at a time! Once again I felt the sudden halt of the plane as we reached altitude. I pushed through that unsettling but familiar apprehension as Joe and I approached the exit. I don't even know what Joe had said to me when we reached the edge; I barely knew he had spoken to me. I can only suppose he asked me if I was alright, since it seemed to be consistent with him. I had acknowledged my surroundings just enough to reply to Joe with "Let's do this thing!" and managed to block my apprehension just enough to keep from changing my mind. I already knew from experience it would be well worth it if I could just get my timid backside out that door, and I still was certain I'd deeply regret it if I'd backed away. Thankfully I have yet to realize that. I've got John legend playing as I write this, singing Save Room, a rather captivating song I heard this past week as I was waking up. Hearing him singing "Don't be afraid of a little bit of pain; pleasure is on the other side. Let down your guard just a little…" serves as a reminder. Whatever he's singing about, it conveys another meaning to me as I work to overcome the natural apprehension that goes with skydiving. How true that is, though! Natural apprehension led to natural high! I felt a lot more aware of the high risk factor as I approached the edge this time than even the first time I jumped. As we were free falling, I felt I was struggling just to breathe. Joe kept giving me thumbs up as if to ask if I was alright. I should have known that wind greatly limiting our hearing wasn't enough to stop him from checking up on me…lol! He was probably doing that my first time until he realized my eyes were shut, as I was made aware of when I watched my First Flight video (Joe, yes I know you were laughing at me back then!). I barely heard Joe's voice during the free fall, and I couldn't hear mine at all so I didn't expect him to be able to either. I had my eyes open this time, except when we had just jumped till the point when Joe took my hands and held them out since I didn't respond when he tapped me on the arm. I was thinking, "Are you sure?" as I had braced myself more than I had my previous two flights.

I was quite anxious for Joe to pull that parachute chord already and grateful when he did so. The only drawback was the sudden reminder with that unfolding canopy that our landing was fast approaching, even with the increased awareness of how awkward my still fairly-new adventure felt as we were getting settled in our glide downward. Joe continued asking me if I was alright, and I continued telling him about the impact my first flight with him had had on me and about my tearful journal entry two nights after my First Flight. (see 1st paragraph of First Flight) I so appreciated Joe's kindness and attentiveness, but I didn't want him to worry about me so much. I'd hoped he knew his time was immensely worthwhile, but I think he did. I'd said, "This feels like heavenly bliss" and he replied, "Excellent." Alas, we were only seconds from landing. "Like I said, it comes and goes too quickly!" There was quite a handful of people right there waiting for us to land. There didn't seem to be any room to land. Joe had told me he'd either say "Legs up" or "Stand." However, not even hearing what he said, out of reflex I did what I'd done the first two times. I put my feet up and went "Aaahhhh!" Well, I just thought I was going to kick someone accidentally in the process of landing. It scared me; I didn't want to hurt anyone. Thankfully I didn't.

And with that my Third Flight was complete! I had spent months hoping I could jump with Joe again, and that prayer was answered! But I hadn't acknowledged that midnight would strike eventually and I would turn back into a pumpkin. That part causes me more aching than jumping out of that airplane. My golden opportunity to recapture my First Flight with my Third had been brief, but a blessing nonetheless. Whenever I find it difficult to count my blessings, I simply remind myself that the best is yet to come!
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April 20, 2010... I just realized I have no blog for my Fourth Flight... the Best of Both Worlds! and I have no video for this one. So here's some very brief footage on my Fourth Flight, since I didn't have a videographer. I only had my aunt with me who caught me landing.